You know that feeling when you think things ARE going to be ok... when you see the darkness lightening to shades of grey... when you can smile at your dogs... even crack a joke with your husband... and then it happens.The depression and anxiety come back full force. It is not just the dark feelings and moods but the physical symptoms that crush you.
With me certain joints are much more painful than normal (I have osteoarthritis in a few joints); I have back and side pain and one shoulder (I call it a wing bone) that moves out of place when the muscles are tight which pulls my collarbone out of place too; and unfortunately digestion issues are nasty. I have read that some people can experience explosive diarrhea or constipation, not to mention increased acid production. Unfortunately I'm experiencing issues which my anxiety-laden-hypocondriac brain runs full tilt into the wall with. Is it the big "C"?! Is it a "Tumour"?! Is it something even worse?!
Like so many in the digital world I googled stuff... not helpful normally, but in this case I came across WebMD and The Mayo Clinic and their take on the physical side of depression which makes me think my issues may be related.
I've already noted that I don't care as much about food as I once did and I'm an emotional eater, so I'm not eating the same things, not eating normally. Normally for me includes protein, veggies and some but not a lot of carbs... when I eat my emotions... its everything - popcorn, chocolate, carbs (even if they do hurt). Lately I have been living on protein bars, greek yogurt with fruit or salad and cheese since I just can't be bothered cooking, eating or grocery shopping. Contribute to my stomach issues? No idea but it is possible.
What about enjoyment in things? I thought I was feeling better this weekend. Over the last month and a half or so it is been hard to listen to music. Now I am a music lover... I used to play organ, violin and some other instruments but I am an avid listener... to classical, folk, blues, etc.I have not been able to listen to music and enjoy it for over a month. I had no patience for it. Weird as it sounds, sometimes music triggered rage. That's another tick on my list of "what's wrong with this picture".
I think my current depression was triggered by my husband's recent diabetic infection related hospitalization. There is more backstory to this but the short version is he was admitted to hospital and spent 2 weeks there and 1 week in a rehab facility. Now for the past 5-8 years I've had to do a lot more or shoulder more responsibility and activities because of his disabilities. Ok. I did that and kept going - which is something I know millions of other people do so why am I so special. It is that this time my reactions... my feelings are different. Over a day or so I worked out a schedule of work, housework, dogs, hospital visits, and all the other things that needed attention. It went ok. I guess.
Then I started not tolerating music; not tolerating my friends; being more negative than normal and since I am normally a "glass half empty" person that stood out. I started avoiding people at my workplace (and I really enjoy my coworkers and my job). When my husband came home I factored in all his various appointments, made up time at work, tried to keep it all on an even keel... but that's when my paddle was lost and I found myself going up shits creek emotionally.
The pain and ice cold fingers and toes, the back spasms, the irritated colon, the impatience with everything in the world... and my rages and I do mean rages. Rages about stupid things... even down to not being able to turn off the music fast enough when I just couldn't take it any more. Now when you have a long fuse... like I did... it was easier to manage or I fell back on bad habits and just stuffed it down until I was able to deal with it later. Not so this time.
This past week I was consuming continuous radio plays as a means to fill the silent gaps while I was working when on Youtube something crazy happened. All of a sudden in one of the random plays was a piece of music - Allegri's Miserere mei deus. I have never heard this before... but it started playing and I remember sitting there frozen in place. I closed my eyes and it started to wash over me in a glorious stream of sound. I do believe in the power of music... and as a former choral singer I have a crazy love for the best instrument - the human voice. For the last few years I have been unable to sing... I used to be a Barbershop singer, choral singer and a karaoke singer but the depression robbed me of that enjoyment. But THIS piece of music... I'm not a religious person at all... in any shape and form. But the passion, the love, the beauty that was poured into the writing of this piece overwhelmed me. This was the piece of music that brought me back.
I admit the first time through I cried at my desk... the soaring angel wings on the soprano... the harmonies. For the first time in just over a month I could love... and I mean LOVE a piece of music. For 5 days straight this played on constant loop at my desk. Wearing headphones I could block out the noise of people talking, printers and other workplaces sounds. After this piece I fell back on something else.. Mozart's Requiem in D... the one he wrote for himself... you know the one in the movie Amadeus that lead up to his death. It is dark, emotional, haunting, soaring.... it is a living thing to me. These two pieces of music went into my playlist on loop. My love for music was coming back. In fact as I'm writing this blog those pieces are playing on loop.
Having music back in my life made me think I was on the way out of this depression. That I would be ok... and would be me again. I was wrong and on Saturday I was hit by that train on my way back from a nice day with my hubby doing enjoyable things in another town. Halfway through the day things started to go down hill. I can't pinpoint whether it was trying on clothes - because I have body issues - or when we were visiting a familiar haunt. Maybe it was while I was treating myself to something just for me. Maybe it was being back in the middle of traffic-nightmare-central (big city). I don't know. I do know that beginning the drive home I had to turn the music off - even the classical music station. I tried some great folk paradies in the soundtrack from Mighty Wind that we both enjoy and usually sing along with great gusto. I couldn't do it. On went talk radio, then silence. The nice day was over... and in fact, I think, ruined because of me.
Even today I ended up going out for one errand and then driving aimlessly around alone and in silence. Just when I thought it was getting better... the lightbulb shattered and in the dark it cut and I bled.... blood and tears. I don't know what happened. I sat with my husband and cried... trying to tell him what I'm feeling, that I'm worried (thank you hypochondria) and when he mentioned I should talk to a mental health counsellor I lost it.
A close friend, who I know thought she was helping, said she thinks I am having a nervous breakdown. That silenced me truly to her this week. She doesn't know how I feel and I've never shared feelings about that. She doesn't know about my father's multiple supposed nervous breakdowns when I was growing up. She doesn't know how much I HATE the thought of being tarred with the same brush as him. She doesn't know - but I do - and that hurt me. That startled me. I am not even a year yet coming out of the depressive and anxiety ridden closet. I shouldn't feel this way but I do.
My husband thinks I need to talk to someone about my current state. In the long run I probably will, but I can't do it right now. I get up every morning, paste a smile (or a close facsimile) and do what I have to do at home and at work. BUT - I hide in my office because it takes time these days to work. Faulty concentration. I know I have all the symptoms of a major depressive episode right now... but I also don't want to face it. I'll have to face it for the rest of my life... "it" and my (to me) many other issues. And right now I can't do it.
I am sitting here listening to the requiem, trying to sound coherent as I type and edit this post... and try to convince myself that I'll come out of the dark soon. But that shattered lightbulb has plunged me back into the darkness.... and like I wrote above, I feel like I'm already cut and bleeding... or is that tears... or both?
No comments:
Post a Comment