They say always keep fighting... but what if there is no more fight in you?

Today I am really feeling down, blue, horrible.  I could barely get out of bed this morning... well actually this afternoon.  I am battling this cold for going on week 3 - so could be something to do with it.  But I doubt it.

I haven't had the energy to post here for a long time.  My post published in August was actually written over the space of months. My reason for creating this blog was so I would have a place to write, to show my real self and not the manufactured one.  But I really haven't had the energy to do it.  Oh, I have posted memes and status' on Facebook or on Twitter because it is quick and easy but it doesn't really help. 

The past year has been a struggle... good and bad.  It is painful for anyone to rehash bad things, upsetting things, and I am no different.  I was going to write a long dissertation on my maternal relationship.  I've deleted that.  My Mother is no longer in my life.  We have parted ways many times, the longest for over a year, but this time it is permanent.  I still have conversations in my head about what she would have said, how she would have reacted, how I would have 'hoped' I would have responded, but I'm making a conscious effort to stop those thoughts when they happen.  Sometimes they happen in my dreams and I can't seem to recollect whether or not I actually say what I wish I would have, or could have, I only know when I wake up I feel drained and upset.  Interesting.

It has been a very hectic September at work and at home.  We are struggling with a lot of things and right now home is a very dark place for me.  The thing is - I can put on that good face, laugh, joke, be the canned "me" that people have come to expect and hide my true self.  There are times when the mask slips and something true escapes my lips at work or when I am with friends, but I can use my sarcasm tool to divert their attention.  Sarcasm is a great weapon for that purpose, but it can also be a tell.

Combining two large work events, for the most part, logistically done by myself since the departure in early September of a co-worker who was sharing the responsibility; purging and packing my home to move; and the continuous wait to hear whether or not my spouse will receive some disability support after filing an appealing.  I have been the 'breadwinner' since 2010.  Savings for both of us are now gone - there is no such thing as a 'retirement' for me.

It has been difficult to watch the decline in the health of my spouse.  We had to appeal a decision by the Canadian Government in the summer where we had to sit through a 3 hour video conference and lay out his decline from 2004 to now - AGAIN.  It was very emotional for both of us but especially for him.  He is a proud man and loved his work so much that he neglected himself.  When he needed help they said no so he went back to school for second career retraining and now he is so much worse that getting a job is impossible but they still say no because he went back to school... they didn't notice that he had every disability support they could offer.  That he is unable to get a company to take him on because of the supports he would need to work.  Oh no.

Continued After the Image

"From the Black Water"

So we wait on the verge of bankruptcy; we get ready to move into an accessible apartment from a townhouse because he can't manage to do the stairs any more and may need a wheelchair in the year or two ahead.  But no help is forthcoming... I am doing what I can, by working hard at my full time job, looking for part time work too but not getting anywhere.  I am making the same wage this year as I was making in 1999.  I can't move to another full time jobs because I need the benefits for his prescriptions and mine.

We have done everything we could to keep going but it is during these times that I really feel there is no reason to continue.  I am fighting to keep positive and keep going - the #AlwaysKeepFighting campaign has encouraged me (fandom is a wonderful thing).  But days like this... to keep smiling, keep it together is harder to do.  Even on anti-depressants, even with some mental health counselling, it is hard to do.

The problem is - I've been homeless.  I've lost everything.  I had my family turn their backs on me.  But I have had a hand up.  I thank those people that helped me up - I would have ended it back then if it wasn't for my dog Nikodemus and those people that helped me up.  Back then I had the power, the drive, and I came back from it.  I'm dealing with unresolved PTSD about that time along with my anxiety, depression and self-worth issues.  It feels like you're trying to run through a vat of tar.  The heat, the pressure, the weight, the blackness, the slog, the never ending path through it.

I'm tired.  I don't want to fight it again.  I'm afraid to go through it again.  I'm worried about how this is affecting my spouse, because even mentioning that it would be so much better if it was over just put his feelings into the stratosphere.  So I put on my mask, try to smile, try to keep to myself so the ooze that escapes me doesn't taint anyone else.  But its becoming harder to to do.

I don't want to get up.  I don't want to continue.  I just want it over.  I wish we could catch a break.  Take a breath.  Have a bit of time without worries.  Then keep fighting.  We've always had to keep fighting.  but the reality is, it isn't going to happen.

Then I think how selfish I'm being since there are so many others going through hard times.  Hell, I've been through hard times before.  How do others cope?  Not everyone survives but those who do - how?  What takes them through it?  Religion may help some - I'm glad it does for them.  I have no religion, I don't believe, I can't believe.  No thing is going to save me.  I have to safe me.  But what if I'm too tired to do it any more?

What some don't realize is I don't want to be rescued... patted on the head and told to wait while someone else takes care of it.  I want a hand up.  I am and have been willing and able to work for what I have.  I am proud of my work ethic... but when the slog gets this difficult for this long... when I am dragging someone down with me... I want it to stop.  I want to lay down and seep into the ground and disappear.

But here I am.  Fighting.