Do you remember the child's song "When Your Happy and You Know it clap Your Hands"? It really is an up tempo fun song that gets everyone going but when you are not happy you still have to go on and clap those hands. Even as a child I remember to having to sing this stupid song the teacher wanted, but not feeling happy and not wanting to participate but having no choice.
This happens now too. I have noticed that as a depressive I can be happy one second then something happens (I think randomly) and I am almost instantly either in a bad mood or I feel the flush of blue wash over me and bring to an end those short bursts of normalcy. Does it happen to you or someone you know?
I find it increasingly difficult to hide this at home, however at work except for those that know me quite well no one has seen the other me. If needed, I can hide this at home by spending time in my office playing mindless games, loosing myself in a book or binge watching the few TV shows I watch or by going into my office/studio to work on other projects.
Over the last almost a full year, my depression has been such that I have not even felt the urge to write. Many things have twigged me. The job, the family, and the usual things such as my own personal struggles with self worth, self criticism and personal satisfaction not to mention a few intense PTSD related anxiety/panic attacks have driven me more into myself.
This happens now too. I have noticed that as a depressive I can be happy one second then something happens (I think randomly) and I am almost instantly either in a bad mood or I feel the flush of blue wash over me and bring to an end those short bursts of normalcy. Does it happen to you or someone you know?
I find it increasingly difficult to hide this at home, however at work except for those that know me quite well no one has seen the other me. If needed, I can hide this at home by spending time in my office playing mindless games, loosing myself in a book or binge watching the few TV shows I watch or by going into my office/studio to work on other projects.
Over the last almost a full year, my depression has been such that I have not even felt the urge to write. Many things have twigged me. The job, the family, and the usual things such as my own personal struggles with self worth, self criticism and personal satisfaction not to mention a few intense PTSD related anxiety/panic attacks have driven me more into myself.
Even with counselling it has been a long haul. This last two months have been very edge and I will write about that in a bit but I have to say that seeking and asking for help is so important. I started with grief therapy after my grandma died, went on to talk about me, family relations, work, self worth and a bunch of things since that first session in 1990 or 1991.
I felt ashamed to need help. My father was under the care of a psychiatrist for years. They were not pleasant years at home during this time, and seeing him zoned out on drugs that were supposedly to help him, caused me to think, when I did need help, that I was going to be tarred with the same brush. I remember what was said about the "retards" (what a horrible word) that was used at one point. He spent time in the psyche ward, he couldn't work, relationships were not the best at home... and I didn't want to be like him. As an adult, now I know there is no way he wanted that for himself either... but then, I just didn't want to be touched by any of it. Sadly it is in the gene pool... but... important but... it took me a long time to realize that I don't have to be him. I don't have to follow in his footsteps with how he reacted, how he treated people... I am in control.
Whether self consciously or thanks to therapy, I have a good work ethic... I love to learn... by my mistakes or any other way I can and I am a good person.
I think my work ethic comes from not wanting to be lazy to the outside world; to do whatever it takes to get the job done. If I don't know how to do something, I figure out a work around, or find a way to learn it while doing. I say yes... granted sometimes too much... but I give my all.
I try to talk to people no matter who they are or what station, like I talk to everyone. As I want people to talk to me. I am not immune to crazed meltdowns or angry tirades! I am human... but I also admit and say sorry when I am wrong... most of the time anyway... I am still working on that. But that is a key phrase... I am working on it... it being me, myself, and I. It will be a lifelong project!
I have a lot to learn from a lot of people... from mistakes I have made or are making... from family, friends and from examples of behaviour I see in strangers... examples I have seen in my own interactions.
We are all a work in progress... we can always tweak the blueprints of our lives... if we really want to... and I do.
I felt ashamed to need help. My father was under the care of a psychiatrist for years. They were not pleasant years at home during this time, and seeing him zoned out on drugs that were supposedly to help him, caused me to think, when I did need help, that I was going to be tarred with the same brush. I remember what was said about the "retards" (what a horrible word) that was used at one point. He spent time in the psyche ward, he couldn't work, relationships were not the best at home... and I didn't want to be like him. As an adult, now I know there is no way he wanted that for himself either... but then, I just didn't want to be touched by any of it. Sadly it is in the gene pool... but... important but... it took me a long time to realize that I don't have to be him. I don't have to follow in his footsteps with how he reacted, how he treated people... I am in control.
Whether self consciously or thanks to therapy, I have a good work ethic... I love to learn... by my mistakes or any other way I can and I am a good person.
I think my work ethic comes from not wanting to be lazy to the outside world; to do whatever it takes to get the job done. If I don't know how to do something, I figure out a work around, or find a way to learn it while doing. I say yes... granted sometimes too much... but I give my all.
I try to talk to people no matter who they are or what station, like I talk to everyone. As I want people to talk to me. I am not immune to crazed meltdowns or angry tirades! I am human... but I also admit and say sorry when I am wrong... most of the time anyway... I am still working on that. But that is a key phrase... I am working on it... it being me, myself, and I. It will be a lifelong project!
I have a lot to learn from a lot of people... from mistakes I have made or are making... from family, friends and from examples of behaviour I see in strangers... examples I have seen in my own interactions.
We are all a work in progress... we can always tweak the blueprints of our lives... if we really want to... and I do.
