My depression (the ever present black dog) has been hounding me (pun intended) for the last several weeks to the extent that I've ignored many things including this blog. So let me rectify that with a long (sorry) posting to explain my current state. (This will probably not be a big deal to 99% of you, but it is to me - and sorry - I'm Canadian so I do apologize. Sorry.)
I try to treat everyone the same... at work, family, socially... but there are times, especially with family that you just want to cut off all ties and leave them to their own devices. To give them the attitude, the tone, the words right back and try to hit all the buttons that crush your spirit... to give them a taste of what they give you. A little tit for tat. I'm going through one of those moments... however the way I was raised (by my Grandmother - according to my Mother) and morals and stuff like that, I can't give tit for tat.
I've never been able to talk back to my Mother - even as the 40ish woman I am now. Once when my Father raised a closed fist to me as if he would use it, I stuck my chin out and dared him... he didn't. I think that was the only time I have ever reacted that way. The way it was back in the day, your opinion was your parents opinion; you didn't have a voice or a thought that wasn't given to you by your parents. I've acquiesced to Mother's wishes, thoughts and such for years... I've gotten angry but did what I had to do to smooth the waters, apologize and give succour so she wouldn't hurt me. She can hurt me. She has hurt me. Actions and words... I don't mean physical abuse, but verbal and emotional abuse. Those were used in our family by my parents - to each other and to my brother and I. Knowing my maternal grandparents and my paternal grandmother - I don't know where they got it from - but there it was. They were damaged in some way and they proceeded to damage us.
My therapists over the years have all recommended that I cut ties with my parents. I don't have to worry about doing that with my Father - he disowned me twice and refuses any attempt of mine to start a dialogue. My Mother on the other hand... that's where (in my mind) it gets tricky.
One of the techniques my therapists recommended was to write a letter to my parent(s) - read it aloud - then burn it or destroy it in some way - hopefully as a symbol of getting it out of my system so it wouldn't continue to poison me. If the time came when I was to ever really sever the ties, I would then give them the letter. Well - below is my letter to my Mother - written today after a tense, unpleasant phone call where her convenient memory, tone and intent were solidly done to provide maximum damage... and it did. To the point I closeted myself away at work to write it out in full fledged anger. In fairness, I had to write it in pieces because I was at work and couldn't shirk my duties there, so the anger is tempered down somewhat towards the end... but write it i did, edit - I did not.
I'm struggling to get away from my black dog... I have a few weeks until my counselors appointment yet - and there are other things going on that are adding to the pressure - so this is me putting it to the ether, effectively a public internet bonfire, in the hopes that it takes it off my heart and mind so I can have some peace. Just a little peace.
I am so tired of you having and sharing your opinion on what I'm doing in my life, wanting me to justify myself to you because I'm doing or saying or being something you don't approve of.
I'm tired of having to care give, hand hold, coddle and cater to everyone but me. You aren't the only one responsible - I am too - but you are a huge part of it.
I am NOT responsible for your life, your happiness or how you get around in this world; how you handle things and what decisions you make. I'm tired of being made to feel that it is my responsibility that you have a fabulous life; and that I am responsible if you don't.
You get angry and nasty when someone begrudgingly takes you places in the middle of their own life because you are too cheap to take a cab and won't learn how to take transit. You wonder why family and former friends have nothing to do with you and you are alone.
You come across as someone who wants a free ride - you don't pay your way - yet you take when someone else pays - but you rarely offer to treat... or just pay your own way. Yet when one of us objects, or says oh well I've plans, or I'm working, hanging with friends, or in-laws etc., you start bitching and moaning about how can we do for other people and not do for you.
You criticize people behind their backs when they are doing things for you but are nice to their face - it makes me wonder what you say about me behind my back. I've already had an earful about others and how selfish they are for not dropping stuff to suit your schedule. You think you are owed all this because you have had a hard life - well there are people out there who have it worse than you. You expect help when you have rarely, if ever offered or given help without outrageous conditions and constant reminders to the person that they owe you. I've seen how you treat people who do favours for you - and that is why I will never ask you for anything; and in a crazed way, when I did ask you for help all those years ago you turned me away - now - I am very glad you did. I can only imagine what I would have owed you for helping me stay off the streets.
It would be so easy to list the ways I have helped you since Father left; tried to encourage you to get out and be yourself while the two of you were married. But it was your life - you made your decisions. For me, I will never forget what you said and did when I needed help the most. I don't bring it up, throw it in your face and use it as emotional blackmail because I know what it feels like when someone does that because you have done that to me. I try to put it past me, but I will never forget it.
It does colour how I feel about you and how much I am willing to see you and how much I do for you. I keep myself at arms length for my own safety and sanity. I don't love you and haven't loved you for years. I don't like you either for reasons I've already given. I stay in your life because I am seeking your approval - as ever. I am the daughter, not the mother, but I won't abandon you like you did me.
You have fun when we go out - and I leave my hubby at home. You keep saying how good a time we have. Well, "we" don't have a good time... "you" have a good time because I put my mask on, wear my mediator hat, turn my emotions down and do what I have to when we are together. I do not enjoy it - it takes me away from my family and things that are important to me.
Thanks to my counselor's instructions and help, I have finally gotten you to not call me at work like you used to, but when we do talk, once a week to arrange our weekend trip... there are times I would rather be gutted than call you... talk to you. This is a big step because you don't understand boundaries. I listen to you bash other people - some you call friends - some family - your situation - your feelings then give opinions on how I should talk to my boss, what I should do with my work, my husband, my life. (sarcasm) Oh yes what a joy that is. Stuffing my anger down again to make sure you have what you need so you can leave me alone for another week.
I called it selfish in one could selling session, and I was corrected... it is self care especially when dealing with someone who drains you when they are around you. I don't want to feel this way with my mother... I wish it was different but know it can never be any other way because you won't understand. I will get ridiculed by you, you will push those painful buttons and destroy my insides.
Someday I hope to have the courage to tell you all this to your face, but going on the type of relationship we do have, this letter is all I will have, this way the only way to get it out of me so it doesn't poison me the way our relationship has.
If you only knew...... well, what am I saying... I don't think it would matter one bit because it didn't happen to you, but to me.
