As of May 2014 both my parents are dead. As of January 2017 only one is still alive and walking on this earth.
If you have read any of my previous posts (not required) you may have guessed that I am estranged from my father. Back in the 1990s he wrote me a lovely card (that I still have) stating that I should consider him dead. After many years in therapy (on my part) we reconnected a year or so before I married.
During the wedding preparation I explained that at 32 I would be walking myself down the aisle (holding onto my Grandpa's watch) and that his "lady" would not be invited in deference to my mother since my parents were not divorced at that time. Instead his understanding I got another letter and a voicemail at work stating he would not attend; that it was obvious my mother was running the show; and I should consider him dead once again. No one from my father's side of the family attended my wedding - they stood with my dad.
A few years after the wedding Nana (his mother) asked to see me. My husband and I drove down with wedding album and other things. Suffice to say the lies that he had told her and the family were shot down and my Nana accepted me again. It was only a few months after that she passed away.
Over the years, at the funerals of my Nana, his sister (my aunt) and at other family funerals I approached him to initiate some sort of dialogue and he literally turned his back and walked away. Fair enough it was his choice not mine. It bothered me back then but I moved through and past the anger with help from therapists.
On December 17, 2016 I got a call from my cousin that my father was dead. I didn't feel anything at first... it had been almost 20 years after all since he declared that I was dead to him. My cousin and uncle were upset which I understood since they had a working relationship with him. I didn't understand how I felt, if I felt, why I felt. I didn't have 'love' feelings so why would I have 'loss' feelings? I said the usual polite things to my uncle and cousin... it is what you do when you know someone is hurting.
It was explained to me that they never got all of the cancer they found last year and that it had come back this past summer but that he had told them he didn't want me knowing anything. So the didn't tell me. They obeyed his wish - I respect that. Three weeks earlier they had stopped chemotherapy or radiation treatment because it was causing heart issues. He and his lady put his affairs in order and went on with it. On the December 16 they thought he was having a heart attack so he went to hospital and after tests had been moved into hospice that day. Uncle had time to see him and then early the next day he had died with a hospice worker present. They called me later that day probably against his wishes.
Working in healthcare I asked the usual questions:
- was he in pain - no;
- was he alone - no.
That represents a good death from my perspective... and I expressed that... mind you with a little more emotion than I am now. I asked after his lady since that is also what you do - and I was observing the convention. I said I was sorry for their loss. They in turn told me they were sorry for my loss and were worried about how I would feel. At the time I didn't feel anything and certainly did not feel any loss. 20 years after his self-imposed death how was I supposed to feel? I didn't know.
I called my brother who I hadn't spoke to in a long time and we reconnected (after a fashion) once he said he knew dad was dead. I also called my mother's cousin and explained that dad was dead and asked that she go over to tell mother since I wasn't going to deal with her. I didn't tell my cousin all the details of dads death. She said she would go in person to tell her and that was that.
The next day mother tried calling me on my home phone. She is blocked from the home phone but it does show me who called, just doesn't ring through or allow them to leave a message. She didn't have the cell phone I used with my cousin but must have gotten that number from her because she also called the cell. I immediately blocked her. My own cell had been stolen the year before so the person that number had been assigned would have had the pleasure of speaking to her. While I don't receive her calls I can see whenever she tries to call... so that's that. Or so I thought.
In the week that followed imagine my surprise when I started spontaneously crying in unusual places. While I am not unfeeling, I don't show too much emotion... some think I don't show any... maybe not show but I do feel. During the bereavement leave I did a lot of reading on loss. But so much of it didn't seem to apply to me since we never had a loving relationship or family life. My family was and is dysfunctional. I cried at stupid things, I got angry at stupid things... I was really not feeling like myself.
I was shocked when I googled his obituary. The shocking part was the fact that his only other blood daughter (my little sister) who died after only living 30 days and his son... father to the grandsons he was so proud of, were not mentioned at all! His woman's kids were mentioned as if they were his own. His woman was called his wife altho as catholics they were not supposed to divorce/remarry, and they were not married.
I don't dispute the fact he was proud of his grandchildren...but to not mention your own daughter and son... and drone on about your woman's children and such. THAT bothered me. That ENRAGED me. Hearing my uncle call this man his 'hero' angered me. Considering how often I was told by my uncle that he tried to get my father and I to talk... it angered me that dad would be called a hero. Anyone's hero. He is NO hero.
At first I was going to go to his memorial, if his woman was comfortable with me going. Then I started to think about everything. I wasn't going after all. I mentioned to my uncle that I hope he wasn't disappointed but that I would not be going to the celebration of his death. That he wouldn't talk to me and didn't want me to know he was sick... he wouldn't want me to be at his funeral nor would his lady. Uncle understood and seemed relieved.
When I mentioned I would send his woman a sympathy card he said 'I would just leave it alone". Others thought I should go because he was my father and told me I would go with them. My return comment that he was father in name only was met with silence even after I sent his obituary as proof that it was of no consequence that I wasn't going to go. Still silence.
But that wasn't the end of it.